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A person has no participation or responsibility in their own
conception or its timing. Few would argue with this outside of the Mormon cult.
We cannot choose our parents or our day of conception, or even our day of
birth. We bear no responsibility for any of these matters.
Nevertheless, the Bible is crystal clear that fornication is
a sin and violates one of the Ten Commandments (the seventh commandment). When
this occurs, there is legitimate shame for the participants and their families.
This is intensified when the sinful acts (sex outside of marriage) result in a
new life. Some parents will decide to murder the child in order to hide the
shame. Others avoid adding a second sin to the first, and people should
encourage them for choosing life over death. However, the newborn is the
innocent party in this event (Ezek 18:19–20). Human culture often looks down on
a child born out of wedlock with the same or more scorn than the parents. They
have derogatory names in many languages for such children, ignoring their
innocence in the incident that resulted in their conception.
The first-century Pharisees made a false accusation toward
the only virgin-born person, Jesus the Anointed One, on this matter (John
8:41). This recorded event shows disdain for the innocent person who was not a
participant in the sin, which was even common in that day. This cultural
mistreatment of the person who is not at fault is not biblical, wise, moral, or
legitimate. Likewise, the breaking of the 7th commandment is not unpardonable
if the guilty parties truly repent and trust God’s provision for the sinner by
the Messiah’s substitutionary atonement (Luke 7:47–48).
Are parents involved in the sins and mistakes of their
children? If it happened despite their teaching, example, home life, and
provided environment, then the answer is no. However, since most parents fall
short in these areas at least to some degree, there may be legitimate shame and
guilt when their children fail to obey biblical standards and that failure
produces a child. Nevertheless, a believer in the God of the Bible can also
repent of and be forgiven for failing as a parent. Parental failure is not an
unpardonable sin either (2 Sam 12:13).
Even though all children are born with a sin nature (Psa
51:5), regarding the conditions of their conception, all children are 100%
innocent when the conception did not follow God’s declared pattern and plan.
Therefore, it is wrong for grandparents to allow pride to dictate how they
treat this fearfully and wonderfully made gift from God (Psa 139:14). No matter
how badly they failed as parents or how much their children failed, this new
person added to the family is a wonderful, special gift. They need unconditional
love from their grandparents. The grandparents therefore cannot hide these
children’s existence from their church, work, neighborhood, or other
communities. As these children grow up and meet people who knew their
grandparents, they should be told how much their grandparents loved them. They
should learn that their grandparents displayed their pictures on their desks at
work, on their phones, and in their homes, and that they were very pleased with
this wonderful addition to their family. Yes, shame was attached to an event,
but not to the innocent person. To treat a grandchild differently because of
race, skin tone, timing of conception, or disability is wrong and harmful to
the innocent person based on one’s sinful pride, prejudice, or fear of shame. I
know of people in their thirties and forties who have vivid memories of
mistreatment by grandparents because of something for which the grandchild was
100% innocent. The painful memories linger on and distress their families to
this day. Don’t make this mistake or encourage others to make it.
To truly love a wonderful gift to your family does not mean
you condone the morals of our culture or the current ways of the world system
as acceptable, or that you have lowered God’s standards. We must employ
biblical wisdom in this situation. Responding to the sin of the guilty is one
thing. Their relationship with the Lord will dictate this response. However,
the mistreatment of the innocent child is not a biblical response to this
circumstance. The arrival of a baby changes everything. It is very hard to know
how to respond correctly without seeking advice and thinking through what a
commitment to celebrate life over death looks like in your own family. Being
pro-life is much more than placing a bumper sticker on one’s car.
So, you may shake your head when you see on social media a
picture or a story showing how pleased a grandparent is with their grandchild
and how much they love them when the child’s parents are/were single. Your
thoughts may be that they should cover up their love and involvement with this
child because of the circumstances of the conception. They should not have
their pictures in their house, on their phone, or on their desk at work.
Please consider that what you are endorsing is the
mistreatment of an innocent party (innocent on this one matter) and ignoring
the joy God gives a whole family with a new life and a new soul made in His
image (Gen 1:27). You are encouraging others to scar precious lives to avoid
public shame. That is both a sin and a serious mistake. The child does not
deserve shame for something they have not been involved in, nor to be
mistreated or publicly hidden because of the fear of shame of the family
members. Our culture is not correct in shaming the child, and this is not a
deterrent to prevent childbirth out of wedlock.
The father in Luke 15 shows the posture we should take
rather than that of the Pharisaical older brother. Rather than the disdain for
the younger brother held by the older brother, the father had an open heart and
arms and eyes lovingly searching for his son. He did not disown him. The
apostle John reminds us that God is both Light (Holiness and Truth) and Love
(Gracious and Merciful) [1 John 1:5, 4:8]. Neither attribute should be
excluded; rather, both should be viewed in balance.
Grandchildren are gifts from God. Love them unconditionally
and love them well. It is truly amazing how your love for a grandchild
multiplies and expands over the months and years. You do not know what this is
like until you experience it. Your different role with the child makes it very
different from parental love.
Be careful how you treat children of single parents. Jesus warns, “If anyone causes one of these little ones — those who believe in me — to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea” (Matt 18:6 NIV).
